My list of items to do today consists of mainly computer work I have been procrastinating on. I normally don't procrastinate on things unless I have a reason to do so. To summarize my reason for procrastinating on my computer work: I don't totally understand what I need to do to get where I want to go!
So, I find other things to do: housework, eating my next meal or making a phone call. But none of those things are going to get me closer to my goal of finishing my computer work. I still have this looming, dark cloud of a task hanging over my head. If I want to finish it - and I do - there is only one way to get through it, and that's through it.
I need to accomplish several things here in my mind, before I can accomplish anything…
1. I need an attitude adjustment, for sure! I need to see the computer work as a learning opportunity which will springboard me to higher levels of education and capability to succeed in my chosen field.
2. I need patience to sit at my computer and use trial and error in addition to searching different websites to see how my issues have been resolved by others.
3. I need to find a way to lower my level of frustration.
Perhaps #1 and #3 go together. Perhaps if I change my attitude, my frustration will decrease, and if I am able to decrease my frustration, my attitude will improve. Or, perhaps I just need to plug along at #2 and forget #1 and #3. If I plug along at #2, then wind up resolving the issues with my computer, then I know my attitude will be great and my frustration will disappear!
But what can I do with frustration, anyway? How do you deal with frustration? I believe if we can find ways to attack all three issues, above, we would be a lot better off than just dealing with one. However, the frustration seems to be the most baffling for me!
Monday, December 30, 2013
Monday, December 23, 2013
The Holidays: License To Eat?
In a conversation a few weeks ago, a woman with a handful of christmas cookies said to me, "I don't care what I eat until January 1st!" Although she has been overweight for the 4 years I have known her, she claims that she is a vegetarian and that diet "works for her", and that she will resume with that after the first of the year. I wonder what "works" means, given that she is no smaller than she was 4 years ago?
What really struck me about this conversation was her conflicted messages. On one hand, not caring about what one eats for the next few weeks implies a lack of conscientiousness and a lack of control. On the other hand, claiming one is a vegetarian implies a heightened conscientiousness regarding one's food choices. I wonder which one she really is? I wonder if she realizes how conflicted her sentences sound? Or, is this just me?
With all the extra activity going on and different foods circulating around the holiday season, my goal over the holidays has never been to lose weight, but to maintain it. For me to place unrealistic goals for myself in the area of "food" and "holiday eating" sets me up for nothing but failure - and a more difficult goal to surmount on January 1st! Conversely, I could isolate, stay at home and not participate in the festivities. Perhaps I might lose weight then, but I know that would not make me happy!
Now, I'm not saying that I can't have a good time without overeating: to the contrary! But if I try my best to maintain my normal eating and exercise schedule over the holidays, I know I will be my happiest. And when I am my happiest, my world seems to be okay.
What really struck me about this conversation was her conflicted messages. On one hand, not caring about what one eats for the next few weeks implies a lack of conscientiousness and a lack of control. On the other hand, claiming one is a vegetarian implies a heightened conscientiousness regarding one's food choices. I wonder which one she really is? I wonder if she realizes how conflicted her sentences sound? Or, is this just me?
With all the extra activity going on and different foods circulating around the holiday season, my goal over the holidays has never been to lose weight, but to maintain it. For me to place unrealistic goals for myself in the area of "food" and "holiday eating" sets me up for nothing but failure - and a more difficult goal to surmount on January 1st! Conversely, I could isolate, stay at home and not participate in the festivities. Perhaps I might lose weight then, but I know that would not make me happy!
Now, I'm not saying that I can't have a good time without overeating: to the contrary! But if I try my best to maintain my normal eating and exercise schedule over the holidays, I know I will be my happiest. And when I am my happiest, my world seems to be okay.
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Drama Queen
A big reason I used to overindulge in anything was because I was all worked-up about something. I was bugged, frustrated or disturbed about something I had no control over. In fact, I would work myself up into a frenzy about something menial, just because I was so used to getting myself all worked-up: the drama became a norm for me and I became comfortable with lots of drama in my life. Conversely, when I had no drama in my life, something felt wrong.
I don't have to live that way anymore. I start my days differently today, with prayer and meditation. When I feel myself beginning to get uptight about something, a red flag goes up and I pause and think for a moment about how I might choose to respond to that situation. In addition, when I know I am approaching a situation where I have been upset before (like holiday traffic), I can say a prayer and repeat affirmations so that my mind stays occupied with positive thoughts. Before I know it, I have successfully circumvented that unpleasant situation!
The act of keeping my mind and emotions on an even keel plays a huge part in my ability to eat moderately. And how about you? What are some ways you are able to maintain sane eating? What are your tools to overcome stressful situations? We can always add another tool in our toolboxes to keep us adequately equipped for the next yucky situation!
I don't have to live that way anymore. I start my days differently today, with prayer and meditation. When I feel myself beginning to get uptight about something, a red flag goes up and I pause and think for a moment about how I might choose to respond to that situation. In addition, when I know I am approaching a situation where I have been upset before (like holiday traffic), I can say a prayer and repeat affirmations so that my mind stays occupied with positive thoughts. Before I know it, I have successfully circumvented that unpleasant situation!
The act of keeping my mind and emotions on an even keel plays a huge part in my ability to eat moderately. And how about you? What are some ways you are able to maintain sane eating? What are your tools to overcome stressful situations? We can always add another tool in our toolboxes to keep us adequately equipped for the next yucky situation!
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Car Trouble: Do I Need Another Excuse To Overeat?
Recently, I had this "ding-ding" alarm going off in my car every now and then. At first, I ignored it (denial would work great if the problems went away!!), then the dinging increased in frequency. I couldn't figure out what the problem was. I looked in the manual, and I searched on the dash for information regarding the car's maintenance schedule. I took the car to the shop and they said there was no ding going off. So I took my car home and the dinging would continue. I took it to the dealership (left it there for several days to wait for them to get to my car), and they said there was no dinging (Murphy's law?), so I took it home. This dinging went on for at least 6 months, and every time it sounded, my adrenaline would spike: "Here's an alarm! Do something! Ding-Ding!" But I didn't know what I was supposed to do!! Help!
Finally, the dinging got so frequent, I once again took it to (another) dealership. I was desperate to have this alarm stopped. Fortunately, the dinging sounded when they test-drove the car. They were able to determine the cause (it was a faulty mechanism in the hatch back, "telling" the car that the hatch was open when, in fact, it was closed), fix it under the warranty, and I was free to go. On the way home, there was no "ding-ding". It was quiet. Amazing. I started to cry with relief! I hadn't realized how stressed out this alarm had made me.
How many times have we overeaten because of some circumstance we had no control over? How many times have we overeaten as a result of a stressful situation? And how many times have we overeaten out of sheer frustration? Too many to count, perhaps? There must be a better way to live.
I can find any excuse to overeat, on any given day. But when my world comes crashing down, I don't even need an excuse. The difficulty lies in my deciding to live differently. I can choose to respond differently to life than I have in the past.
How do you respond differently to life, so that you don't have to overeat anymore?
Finally, the dinging got so frequent, I once again took it to (another) dealership. I was desperate to have this alarm stopped. Fortunately, the dinging sounded when they test-drove the car. They were able to determine the cause (it was a faulty mechanism in the hatch back, "telling" the car that the hatch was open when, in fact, it was closed), fix it under the warranty, and I was free to go. On the way home, there was no "ding-ding". It was quiet. Amazing. I started to cry with relief! I hadn't realized how stressed out this alarm had made me.
How many times have we overeaten because of some circumstance we had no control over? How many times have we overeaten as a result of a stressful situation? And how many times have we overeaten out of sheer frustration? Too many to count, perhaps? There must be a better way to live.
I can find any excuse to overeat, on any given day. But when my world comes crashing down, I don't even need an excuse. The difficulty lies in my deciding to live differently. I can choose to respond differently to life than I have in the past.
How do you respond differently to life, so that you don't have to overeat anymore?
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Holiday "Food For Thought"
How many of us can say we have lost weight, only to put it back on sometime later? Could our struggle with maintaining a healthy weight be more about permanently changing our lifestyles, rather than simply losing weight?
Why are some just blowing off the rest of 2013 when it comes to their food? What drudgery that must be, to endure the rest of the beautiful holiday season, only looking forward to the new year. What are we missing by focusing on the future, rather than living in today? What a waste!
When it comes to our behavior surrounding food, we begin to feel better and gain self-esteem by doing esteem-able acts. Doing esteem-able acts makes us feel good about ourselves. And when we feel good about ourselves, we want to treat ourselves better. When we treat ourselves better, we want to take better care of ourselves. It's a cycle that feeds on itself.
For some of us, food has been a reward, a treat, or a way to "take our comfort". Perhaps the way some of us who see overeating this way may change their thinking. Perhaps this way of eating will come to be a form of punishment, rather than a treat.
Make a decision today, right now, that you will be moderate with your consumption of all foods, even healthy foods. Stay away from those things that make you crave more. Finally, create in your mind a short affirmation, such as, "I am always temperate with my food", and repeat this statement hundreds of times a day. You will find that you will begin to obey that statement without effort and your dreams of being free from the bondage of food will become a reality.
Why are some just blowing off the rest of 2013 when it comes to their food? What drudgery that must be, to endure the rest of the beautiful holiday season, only looking forward to the new year. What are we missing by focusing on the future, rather than living in today? What a waste!
When it comes to our behavior surrounding food, we begin to feel better and gain self-esteem by doing esteem-able acts. Doing esteem-able acts makes us feel good about ourselves. And when we feel good about ourselves, we want to treat ourselves better. When we treat ourselves better, we want to take better care of ourselves. It's a cycle that feeds on itself.
For some of us, food has been a reward, a treat, or a way to "take our comfort". Perhaps the way some of us who see overeating this way may change their thinking. Perhaps this way of eating will come to be a form of punishment, rather than a treat.
Make a decision today, right now, that you will be moderate with your consumption of all foods, even healthy foods. Stay away from those things that make you crave more. Finally, create in your mind a short affirmation, such as, "I am always temperate with my food", and repeat this statement hundreds of times a day. You will find that you will begin to obey that statement without effort and your dreams of being free from the bondage of food will become a reality.
Monday, December 16, 2013
To Vegan Or Not To Vegan?
I have never felt it was my place to dictate what someone else should eat or not eat - so I don't! True freedom of choice comes from the inside, not the outside. If someone guilt-trips me for eating chicken and beef, I may change for a while and abstain, but unless the motivation comes from within, the change won't be lasting.
Some say that they feel better when they eat animal foods. Others say they gain weight eating all the carbohydrates in a vegetarian diet with no complete proteins to offset the carbs. Still others like to go vegan for health reasons and/or because they have animal cruelty issues with feed farms.
There is credible evidence to support the theory that animal proteins (cholesterol) are the culprit in many diseases in the world today. There are books written by doctors, farmers and just regular people like you and me.
I shudder to think what happens in feed lots, but I am not going to change the hearts of the people who participate in that cruelty by abstaining from animal protein. On the other hand, if more people became aware of the cruel treatment toward these animals, perhaps more laws and regulations would be created. But that still wouldn't change the hearts of cruel people.
So, I keep my opinions to myself about what I choose to eat and I don't bug anyone about their food choices.
Some say that they feel better when they eat animal foods. Others say they gain weight eating all the carbohydrates in a vegetarian diet with no complete proteins to offset the carbs. Still others like to go vegan for health reasons and/or because they have animal cruelty issues with feed farms.
There is credible evidence to support the theory that animal proteins (cholesterol) are the culprit in many diseases in the world today. There are books written by doctors, farmers and just regular people like you and me.
I shudder to think what happens in feed lots, but I am not going to change the hearts of the people who participate in that cruelty by abstaining from animal protein. On the other hand, if more people became aware of the cruel treatment toward these animals, perhaps more laws and regulations would be created. But that still wouldn't change the hearts of cruel people.
So, I keep my opinions to myself about what I choose to eat and I don't bug anyone about their food choices.
Monday, June 17, 2013
Perfectionism
Nah, I don't struggle with this. What I struggle with is the fear that I'm not pretty, smart, successful or thin enough.
Well, isn't that perfectionism? Where nothing is ever good enough? On the other hand, when I am plagued by these feelings, I couldn't tell you how much WOULD be enough!
How much is enough for you? Do you know you struggle with this, or do you wonder if it's a struggle? Or are you like me, trying to call it by any other name? LOL!
I was perusing various definitions of the word, "perfectionism" and the word "overachiever" came up several times. I don't really consider myself an overachiever - professionally, that is. Sometimes I feel I've not achieved much of anything in the world, and that bothers me. On the other hand, maybe I am associating "achieving" with "the latest technological discovery in neurological science", or something exciting like that. Yes, I think that's me - I tend to look at others and compare myself to them. Unless I am a modern day Thomas Edison, I am nothing. I'll always lose with comparison.
If I get real with myself, I have to admit, I've done pretty well with the raw materials I was given. I have experienced victory over multiple addictions like overeating, bulimia, drugs and alcohol. I help people with their health, fitness and food. I have a child I fiercely love and ask God daily to help me raise her the way He wants her to be raised. I have a peaceful and harmonious marriage to the man I have loved for nearly 16 years - and the list could go on.
So, I think I may be on to something - maybe you can help me out here. If perfectionism is focusing on what we don't have or what we aren't, then maybe the way out of perfectionism is focusing on different things like what we do have and what we are. In other words if I change my state of mind, be grateful and decide that today I will have a positive attitude, I'll forget about the negativity associated with those perfectionistic thoughts. And when those negative thoughts that "I'm not good enough" come in, I have the choice to let them in my head or keep them out.
What do you think? Could this be the solution? What is your experience with perfectionism? If you have ever written a list of things to be grateful for: a gratitude list - what did it do for you? Did it change your attitude? Did it help you focus on other things?
I would love to hear your feedback on this issue. If there is something else you have combatted perfectionism with, I want to know what it is!!
Well, isn't that perfectionism? Where nothing is ever good enough? On the other hand, when I am plagued by these feelings, I couldn't tell you how much WOULD be enough!
How much is enough for you? Do you know you struggle with this, or do you wonder if it's a struggle? Or are you like me, trying to call it by any other name? LOL!
I was perusing various definitions of the word, "perfectionism" and the word "overachiever" came up several times. I don't really consider myself an overachiever - professionally, that is. Sometimes I feel I've not achieved much of anything in the world, and that bothers me. On the other hand, maybe I am associating "achieving" with "the latest technological discovery in neurological science", or something exciting like that. Yes, I think that's me - I tend to look at others and compare myself to them. Unless I am a modern day Thomas Edison, I am nothing. I'll always lose with comparison.
If I get real with myself, I have to admit, I've done pretty well with the raw materials I was given. I have experienced victory over multiple addictions like overeating, bulimia, drugs and alcohol. I help people with their health, fitness and food. I have a child I fiercely love and ask God daily to help me raise her the way He wants her to be raised. I have a peaceful and harmonious marriage to the man I have loved for nearly 16 years - and the list could go on.
So, I think I may be on to something - maybe you can help me out here. If perfectionism is focusing on what we don't have or what we aren't, then maybe the way out of perfectionism is focusing on different things like what we do have and what we are. In other words if I change my state of mind, be grateful and decide that today I will have a positive attitude, I'll forget about the negativity associated with those perfectionistic thoughts. And when those negative thoughts that "I'm not good enough" come in, I have the choice to let them in my head or keep them out.
What do you think? Could this be the solution? What is your experience with perfectionism? If you have ever written a list of things to be grateful for: a gratitude list - what did it do for you? Did it change your attitude? Did it help you focus on other things?
I would love to hear your feedback on this issue. If there is something else you have combatted perfectionism with, I want to know what it is!!
Return Home from Trip
This is the first post to the new blog, "Eating Problem Living Problem". Let's discuss our experiences with eating habits we don't like, and explore possible reasons why we go there. then, let's explore solutions to becoming who we really want to be! I'll go first....
So we returned from a week-long trip yesterday. Trips always mess me up food-wise, since I eat weird food in restaurants almost daily when I'm out of town. So someone says, "Why don't you just order a dry-grilled chicken breast and have a salad with lemon juice?" My response to that is, "Are you kidding? I mean, who really does that? I've never done that even in my skinniest days! Speak my language!"
Why go to a restaurant if I'm going to get something bland? And don't start talking about cooking, either. I'm not a cook, I don't cook, and the more I cook, the more I eat. In fact, I'm not the slightest bit interested in culinary stuff. And regarding the restaurant thing, I will neither bring my dressing in to a restaurant, nor will I ask a waiter for baked chips.
I enjoy eating. I don't know anyone who doesn't! My goal here is to develop the healthiest relationship with food as possible, free from any preoccupation with food - and still enjoy having a slender, healthy and fit physique.
Anyway, back to the topic. So today, I'm still messed up - specifically, I'm still craving food I don't want to eat, because of how I ate last week. It's unrealistic for me to think that my eating will always be consistent, so I'm going to have to learn how to deal with these ebbs and flows.
I attempted to regain traction with the food today. I did okay, but my food still wasn't perfect. I'm just going to have to be okay with that. I mean, it didn't take me a day to get all messed up, so it may take me more than a day to get back to EATING CLEAN!
So we returned from a week-long trip yesterday. Trips always mess me up food-wise, since I eat weird food in restaurants almost daily when I'm out of town. So someone says, "Why don't you just order a dry-grilled chicken breast and have a salad with lemon juice?" My response to that is, "Are you kidding? I mean, who really does that? I've never done that even in my skinniest days! Speak my language!"
Why go to a restaurant if I'm going to get something bland? And don't start talking about cooking, either. I'm not a cook, I don't cook, and the more I cook, the more I eat. In fact, I'm not the slightest bit interested in culinary stuff. And regarding the restaurant thing, I will neither bring my dressing in to a restaurant, nor will I ask a waiter for baked chips.
I enjoy eating. I don't know anyone who doesn't! My goal here is to develop the healthiest relationship with food as possible, free from any preoccupation with food - and still enjoy having a slender, healthy and fit physique.
Anyway, back to the topic. So today, I'm still messed up - specifically, I'm still craving food I don't want to eat, because of how I ate last week. It's unrealistic for me to think that my eating will always be consistent, so I'm going to have to learn how to deal with these ebbs and flows.
I attempted to regain traction with the food today. I did okay, but my food still wasn't perfect. I'm just going to have to be okay with that. I mean, it didn't take me a day to get all messed up, so it may take me more than a day to get back to EATING CLEAN!
Monday, June 10, 2013
Changing Routines
Wow, the Summer is in full force here! Were you prepared for this???
We were out of town the first week, so I didn't really notice anything. My daughter was in camp all last week and ditto with not noticing. However, this week is different. She is home and I still have all my stuff I normally do...
...that I didn't do. I felt so scattered today, so pulled in opposite directions. It was all I could do to keep my head above water. I wanted to keep her occupied with stimulating activities, but since she is only 7, she isn't self-motivating, so I have to be the driving force behind her activities. If I don't monitor her activities, then before I know it, she has mesmerized herself in one of several media devices! I don't mind a little of those, but a constant diet of device-hopping can't be healthy for anyone!!
How have you dealt with summer? Perhaps it doesn't phase you - no kids? What about any sort of routine change? How do you deal with those?
I know it will take me a few days to get this routine down. I'm not frustrated about any of that. What amazes me is that the day got away from me and I feel like I've done little of anything productive - for me or for her!! Ugh!
Am I a human being or a human doing? Am I ever-evolving with life's ups and downs, or am I a machine that can be turned on, off or programmed?
These are the questions I need to ask myself, since I tend to be so hard on myself. If I am to become more compassionate toward myself, I need to reflect a little on these points. As long as I can get to this mindset and remind myself that everything is really okay, I get to a place of peace, no matter what chaos is going on in my life.
Next post will be on Perfectionism!!!
We were out of town the first week, so I didn't really notice anything. My daughter was in camp all last week and ditto with not noticing. However, this week is different. She is home and I still have all my stuff I normally do...
...that I didn't do. I felt so scattered today, so pulled in opposite directions. It was all I could do to keep my head above water. I wanted to keep her occupied with stimulating activities, but since she is only 7, she isn't self-motivating, so I have to be the driving force behind her activities. If I don't monitor her activities, then before I know it, she has mesmerized herself in one of several media devices! I don't mind a little of those, but a constant diet of device-hopping can't be healthy for anyone!!
How have you dealt with summer? Perhaps it doesn't phase you - no kids? What about any sort of routine change? How do you deal with those?
I know it will take me a few days to get this routine down. I'm not frustrated about any of that. What amazes me is that the day got away from me and I feel like I've done little of anything productive - for me or for her!! Ugh!
Am I a human being or a human doing? Am I ever-evolving with life's ups and downs, or am I a machine that can be turned on, off or programmed?
These are the questions I need to ask myself, since I tend to be so hard on myself. If I am to become more compassionate toward myself, I need to reflect a little on these points. As long as I can get to this mindset and remind myself that everything is really okay, I get to a place of peace, no matter what chaos is going on in my life.
Next post will be on Perfectionism!!!
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
The Struggle With Negative Feelings
Do you sometimes feel like there are two of you? An evil twin sister or brother, perhaps? I have felt like there has been a fight all day inside of me. It's a constant state of unrest and frustration, never seeming to get resolved. I think I woke up this way, and I don't even know why. Nothing seems to be wrong on the outside, but somehow I feel wrong!
How do you respond when you feel this way? My first response is to be "hungry", even though I might have just eaten!! But I know I don't want to eat, because that wouldn't solve the real problem. So, what IS the real problem??? Sometimes the only way I know how to deal with these days is just to go to bed as soon as possible!!
Time to pause; take a moment and let the feelings flow over me. What comes up for you? Is there a recurring issue that keeps resurfacing that needs to be dealt with?
What is your experience with negative feelings? Are you always 100% positive? Do you sometimes wake up just feeling "not right"? And then, how do you deal with it?
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Eating Clean
Today was a normal day in all respects. I had a work out, had normal activities and there wasn't anything particularly stressful about the day. I allowed enough time to get from one place to another - that has been a big stressor for me in the past - so today, I didn't get stressed about being late.
One thing I did do today that I don't normally do is this: If I had an unpleasant task, I didn't shove it aside for later; I did it immediately and got it off my desk, deleted it, filed it or passed it on to the next appropriate party. Sometimes when I allow stuff that I don't want to do to pile up on my desk, I start to feel overwhelmed and powerless and frustrated. When I feel these emotions, I want to escape. And where do I tend to go to escape from these feelings? EATING and FOOD!
So all this talk about stressors and emotions is leading me to the topic of eating clean. Because if I can manage these stressors and emotions in my life, I'll have a much better handle of eating well in all respects: I'll make healthier food choices and my eating behavior will be more "normal". And by "normal", I mean normal portions, slowing down my chewing instead of inhaling my food, not taking the whole bag of something and mindlessly doing the "hand-to-bag, hand-to-mouth, repeat" behavior.
I want to feel good today! And my behavior with the food plays a big part in how I feel. So I have to be careful how I eat if I want to feel good about me. Eating clean isn't just a matter of what I eat; it is also how I am eating.
One thing I do more than I care to admit is eating large portions of healthy food. But even then, I have to ask myself, "Why am I eating more than I really need, even if it's healthy?" If it's not true, physical hunger, there's always a reason. I can no longer be in denial and say it's a mere habit. If I really want change in my life, I'm going to have to get honest with myself and step away from the kitchen. THEN, the feelings come up. THEN, I have a clue as to what is "eating me". THEN, I have a chance to change my behavior: Permanently!!
One thing I did do today that I don't normally do is this: If I had an unpleasant task, I didn't shove it aside for later; I did it immediately and got it off my desk, deleted it, filed it or passed it on to the next appropriate party. Sometimes when I allow stuff that I don't want to do to pile up on my desk, I start to feel overwhelmed and powerless and frustrated. When I feel these emotions, I want to escape. And where do I tend to go to escape from these feelings? EATING and FOOD!
So all this talk about stressors and emotions is leading me to the topic of eating clean. Because if I can manage these stressors and emotions in my life, I'll have a much better handle of eating well in all respects: I'll make healthier food choices and my eating behavior will be more "normal". And by "normal", I mean normal portions, slowing down my chewing instead of inhaling my food, not taking the whole bag of something and mindlessly doing the "hand-to-bag, hand-to-mouth, repeat" behavior.
I want to feel good today! And my behavior with the food plays a big part in how I feel. So I have to be careful how I eat if I want to feel good about me. Eating clean isn't just a matter of what I eat; it is also how I am eating.
One thing I do more than I care to admit is eating large portions of healthy food. But even then, I have to ask myself, "Why am I eating more than I really need, even if it's healthy?" If it's not true, physical hunger, there's always a reason. I can no longer be in denial and say it's a mere habit. If I really want change in my life, I'm going to have to get honest with myself and step away from the kitchen. THEN, the feelings come up. THEN, I have a clue as to what is "eating me". THEN, I have a chance to change my behavior: Permanently!!
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